Meditation

I decided to practice meditating.  I followed my thoughts to a place where I feel safe, where Jesus can talk to me.  I went to several places before I ended up in the art classrooms at Armstrong.  I was there in my mind, and I immediately got the huge ache in my guts that felt like something was missing.  "I miss it" really means something that I'm not sure is possible to describe in words.  A piece is missing.  I was created to be something, and I know I'm it right now.  I am whole, I know it.  But I know there will be more, and I am anticipating it in a way that makes me almost feel not whole right now. 

My Boy

The circumstances surrounding our adoption of James are difficult to say the least.  Frank says I gave up a lot to adopt him, but when I look at this child who is MY BOY, I see his beautiful face surrounded by the "things I gave up."  He is my boy, and everything around him is blurred and completely insignificant.
I didn't bond with him right away like Frank did.  It took a few months before I was completely in love with him... I fell in love with this boy.  It was not love at first sight as it was with Gabe and Taylor.  Now that doesn't matter.  He's over a year old now, and I'm even more in love with him than I was when I first fell in love.  I think that's the way it's supposed to be with anyone you really love.  I'm certainly more in love with Frank than I was when we first got married.  The more we know a person, the larger the capacity for love is. 
I still get a little freaked out whenever I let my thoughts even glimpse the possible future of James.  It's easy for me to believe the lie that I will raise him wrong.  I do see it as a lie, though, and I trust in my God to help me do right where James is concerned, just as He does with the rest of my kiddos.
Oh how unfair it is that we ended up with this boy who is MY BOY.  Oh how unfair that God should love me so much and entrust ME to raise him.  The love of God is folly.  And thank my God that it is.  I cherish His gift.